How to Properly Eat a Pie

Many people seem to think eating pie is hard because of one reason or another. This is wrong because many people simply don’t know the right way to eat pie.

I will tell you how to eat pie.

First, make sure that you are alone. That is important. A lot of folks struggle with “how can I properly cut a pie to share with others and the obvious flaw in that plan is share with others. So, start out alone. Just you and the pie.

If the others had wanted pie, then they would have either made their own or otherwise acquired a pie. All you did was remind them that pie was possible. Your obligation stops there.

Just you and the pie.

Next, grab a fork and a knife.

The fork will be how you eat the pie. Do not be a goddamn animal by eating pie with your hands. That’s savage. You are civilized. Even if you are alone, be civilized. Represent civilization.

Also, we all know that “hand pie” is actually a vaguely obscene term. Don’t invite disaster.

So, use the fork. Select a fork that will fit comfortably in your mouth and still hold a generous portion of pie. Dessert forks are too small — this isn’t an aerobic exercise. If you want to get the job done, use a dinner fork. The wooden forks on the wall are too big. Probably.

The knife is the next part. Don’t use a butter knife. Don’t use some dull herky-jerky knife. Don’t use a novelty knife you bought at the Circle-K in Phoenix when you were driving up to Burning Man. Use a knife that’s sharp as hell. The knife needs a sharp point. I’ll explain why later. But don’t skimp on the knife thing.

At this moment, you — and you alone — are faced with a pie. This is what the ancient Greek Poets called “Pie Time.”

With your knife, carefully cut the pie in half. Do the best you can to maintain its surface decorations. Some pies are smooth, some pies are decorated. Lattice pies are tricky to cut, but do your best.

Next, carefully cut each of those halves into half again. With each cut, the surface will get more ragged. This is normal, but try to remain calm and steady.

If you’re keeping track of slice-count at home, you now have four slices. Double-check before continuing.

Next, cut each of those pieces in half again.

Now there are eight pieces.

Set the knife down. You will not be cutting any more pie. Do not put the knife away, however, as this is a very delicate moment. This is the moment when another person might say something foolish like “Can I have a slice?”

Which is why you keep the knife handy.

Don’t make me connect the dots for you.

At this moment, the pie has been divided into eight pieces.

Use the fork and eat one of the pieces. You’ll need to use the edge of the fork to carefully manicure the edges so that the remaining slices look good.

Eat the entire slice.

When you have completed this operation, look around. Are you still alone? Yes. The answer — if you have been paying attention — is yes.

Eat the second slice. Let’s face it, those slices are small, right? No one will notice. Once again, be sure to use a careful and skilled hand so that the remaining pie has well-defined edges.

You still have three quarters of a pie remaining, which is fine because you are still hungry.

Eat the third slice. That was good, wasn’t it? You deserved it, we all agree.

The pie now looks lopsided. Fix this situation by eating the fourth slice.

At this point, the pie has been neatly bisected. If you aren’t sure what “bisected” means, ask a member of the clergy.

But here’s the thing. Let’s not lie to ourselves, you’re still hungry. And it’s at least a few hours before dinner.

Eat the fifth slice.

Nice, nice. That tasted great. You were already primed, so this is a fait accompli.

The sixth slice is basically just hanging there. If you had two more friends suddenly show up and your knife wasn’t handy, you would probably be forced to give them each a piece of pie and that remaining piece would be eaten by you. So eat the sixth slice now. Life’s short. Also, you want to have that handled in case three people showed up.

Which, again, is why you keep the knife handy.

Look in that pie plate.

Wouldn’t it be weird putting that back in the fridge with two pieces on it? You could take one of the pieces and save it for later and then eat the seventh piece right now. That would save room in the fridge.

Eat that seventh slice of pie. That feels right and good and just. That feels like the Universe needed it.

But the question you gotta ask yourself is this: are you really going to put a single slice of pie back in the fridge? I mean, are you going to dirty another plate doing this? Washing the dishes is a pain in the ass and in this case, you’re just going to eat it later.

Take it from me, you’ll be doing yourself a favor if you try this one weird trick:

Eat the eighth slice of pie.

Use your fork to scrape any remaining delicious pie gore from the plate.

Wash everything carefully, dry it and put it away. Now no one knows that you have eat a pie.

And if no one knows, then there were no calories involved.

You’re welcome.