Look guys,

I love you both, okay? Sometimes I need a liquid ass-kick and Coffee, you’re the man. Sometimes I need to eat something crunchy and salty and Tortilla Chips, you rule da house. It’s that simple.

You aren’t competing with each other in any way. In fact, I could have both of you at the same time. Little of one, little of the other. Sometimes, around 2-3pm, what I really want is both of you.

Coffee, I respect your great powers, and I’m sure it’s obvious by now that because you have a peculiar bitterness, the real flavor needed to cut you smooth as silk is salty. And, of course, the perfect complement to your velvety smoothness is the texture-rich love of a good Tortilla Chip.

Tortilla Chips, I cannot tell you how many times you’ve saved me from a car wreck by giving me something to fiddle with and eat in the middle of the night. Not only have you saved me from jobs, but you’ve quite possibly saved my life at jobs. Remember that high-voltage calibration station at Fluke? I would have fallen asleep at it if you hadn’t been so crunchy-wonderful. But you gotta understand that your salt, the Gift of Life as it were, makes me thirsty.

So guys. Coffee. Tortilla Chips. What the fuck is up between the two of you? Why is it that when I try to consume one of you and then the other, it suddenly tastes like I’ve been licking underneath a grade school student’s desk? Why is it that, during those brief moments when my instincts tell me you would make a great combination, you make me crave the taste of sewage-soaked plague-victim jerky, instead of what ought to be two delicious tastes tasting great together.

Hey, if Chocolate (which is sweet and comes from trees and is the purview of girls across the world) and Peanut Butter (which is not sweet, comes from the ground and is unmistakably associated with boys or tomboys) can get along so well, what is your problem?

You guys should be famous as buddies. You should be the best of friends. You should be greater than the sum of your parts.

Instead, when you join forces, you taste like ass.

I’m very disappointed, Coffee and Tortilla Chips.

I thought you ought to know that.

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