I have a question to ponder for those of the multiple-partner mindset.
The short form is this:
What will it be with you as a part of it?
The long form is this:
When you connect yourself to someone and thus connecting yourself to their someones and then connecting their someones to your someones, you are creating a new system, a new balance.
You are creating a new dynamic. You are not a strap-on person.
Relationships aren’t monolithic entities constructed on concrete; they are organic, dynamic, and chaotic physical entities.
This might seem obvious on the face of it, but if I had a nickel for every time people thought relationships could be “preserved” or “protected” once additional people joined in, I could conquer the world simply by throwing nickels at it.
Considering what assholes some people are, and that some of them live in underground bunkers, that’s a lot of nickels.
We already know (because we aren’t stupid) that when two people join up and make a relationship thingy between them, everything changes. They each change how they do things, they learn to work around each other, they learn to find solutions to problems, and basically, they each modify their entire lives to suit the needs of this brand new lifeform called Their Relationship.
This is normal.
So it stands to reason that when person #3 (or #4 or #5… ) joins in, the exact same thing is going to happen. That is to say, everything is going to change.
So back to the question.
One could ask “Hey, what does this group offer me if I join?” or one could ask “Hey, what kind of kick-assedness do I bring to the table?” but I have a feeling both of those are essentially selfishness from two different angles. Not necessarily bad, but more importantly not quite the whole picture.
Me, I am a fan of the Superfriends Model.
In the Superfriends Model, everybody already is a superhero. Everybody has their own powers and their own backstory. Everybody already kicks ass. That’s simply a given. When someone new joins the group, the groups changes to be something better. The group can handle a different class of villain. The group can handle more complicated problems.
I think for any relationship (regardless of the number of partners) to work, each person has to recognize that they are part of a group, and that they are contributing their own uniqueness and strengths to the group.
One hopes they are not comic relief, or worse, an enemy in disguise.
But this is why I wrote earlier about tracking the energy flow in a relationship — to keep an eye on — and adjust for where desired — such things.
So ask that question. Ask it of yourself, and ask it of and about others in your group. What is this group, with you as a part of it?
I have a feeling the answer should always come easily.