Welcome to the Petting Zoo

Sweet-Talkin’

“How can I change my partner’s mind about multipartner relationships?”

I think, roughly once a day, I see this question on a board or on a list or in a group somewhere.

In my experience, when a person is so inclined toward some form of relationship, they will almost immediately gravitate toward...

Continue Reading

Tat

“She knew the deal when she signed up.”

You know how sometimes people in multipartner relationships say “Well, this person agreed to that kind of relationship dynamic when they signed on, so they have no room to bitch” when it comes to disposing of partners that have become inconvenient or dis...

Continue Reading

Step one…

Someone asked me if I had any advice for people who might be just starting out on a path that included multiple adult partners. Who knew? So, I gave it a go.

Treat people as you would want to be treated. Treat them as equals, as people who have lives and loves and passions and hobbies that are jus...

Continue Reading

“You jelly?”

Jealousy is ultimately an act of soul-abuse.

Jealousy represents what happens when we cannot think of ourselves as actual human beings with thoughts, emotions, and lives. It’s when we reduce ourselves and our multidimensional humanity to some singular aspect. By performing this reduction, we ren...

Continue Reading

“Restrictive Sexuality”

I often use the term “restrictive sexuality” when referring to monogamy. This is deliberate.

I’ve been told I’m being mean, judgmental, negative, and a variety of other things when I use the term “restrictive sexuality.” This amuses me, of course.

I look at how different people differentiate the...

Continue Reading

The Functional Aspect of Rules

In relationships, I often hear a lot about rules. In particular, I’m talking about multiple adult relationships, but feel free to extract what makes sense for you out of this if this doesn’t apply to you. My own opinion is that where an observation can be applied broadly, it seems more likely, b...

Continue Reading

Check Your System Levels!

Here’s a quick and easy way to look at your relationships: Check your System.

Always have a sense of where the energy’s going in a relationship.

That’s the one-sentence takeaway.

The more detailed (but still short) version is this:

Ask yourself five questions (in this order!):

  1. Am I happy...

Continue Reading

With great power…

One of the fundamental dynamics of any romantic relationship is this:

Where responsibility is uncoupled from control, nothing but mischief can happen.

In other words, if you want to exert control over a situation, you had best be prepared to be responsible for the exertion of that control of the...

Continue Reading

“Creepy, doll.”

I’ve been experimenting with the word “creepy” and what it means.1

My current experiment is that we use “creepy” when we’re afraid to say “predatory.” Maybe it’s because we don’t want to offend someone, or maybe because we don’t actually think the behavior is predatory, but we aren’t willing...

Continue Reading

The Simple Guide to Relationships… or Why Love is Simpler Than You Think

Introduction

Welcome to my half-assed manifesto. It’s a bit of a map of how I got to where I am, which is a place I happen to like. There’s an extremely slim chance you might find something interesting in here, which is one of the reasons I’m posting it online.

The other reason is that when I be...

Continue Reading

The “Problem” With Love

The problem with love is this: love is wonderful, beautiful, terrifying, debilitating, painful, glorious, and a joy.

The reason that’s such a problem is because people often mistake wonderful things, beautiful things, terrifying things, debilitating things, painful things, glorious things, and j...

Continue Reading

How to Communicate

I have seen too many people get screwed by being unable to communicate (myself included). The usual pattern of events ends in something that can best be summarized by “I didn’t know what was going on.” Now me, I hate being ignorant, so I started taking a look at social interactions, with an e...

Continue Reading

Not the Sum of the Parts

There’s this sense that people are composed of discrete emotional elements that can be easily separated and encapsulated if need be.

When I write it that way, it seems pretty idiotic, but I see it time and time again.

Perhaps if I offered an example, it will become more recognizeable.

“I rea...

Continue Reading

On Civilized Discourse

There are a lot of different essays and documents on having a civilized discussion with someone else. This is mine. I’ve updated a few things.

It contains points that I most often forget and thus am in more often need of a reminder. You are welcome to use what you like and ignore what you don’...

Continue Reading

Loss-Boosting

Remember that thing you missed out on, years ago, and how really awesome it was and what a bummer it is that you missed out on it? I suspect it wasn’t quite as sparkly as you remember.

We have a tendency to look at things in really weird ways. Some of them seem bizarrely contradictory. One of t...

Continue Reading

Copyright © 2015 Lingonberry, Ported By Grav Team

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑