The Top Ten Songs to Not Have Sex By
- Boney M.: Nightflight to Venus - Sire Records
There's lots of good disco-related material out there that provides a fine, driving rhythm, a beat that comes close to a pounding heart and lyrics that make you want to shuck your clothes and make the sign of the snappy salesman. Boney M. has none of that. Beware. - The Jerky Boys - Select Records
The first album is a hoot and the bad thing about it is that you tend to stop every three minutes, wanting to answer the telephone when you hear the ringing. Of course, you're being fooled, but it still breaks your concentration. Buy a metronome instead. - Henry Gross: Release - Lifesong/Polydor Records
Gross' hit song, Shannon is about a dog that drowns. Worse, he sings in such a high pitch that your reproductive organs will actually shrink in sympathy whenever you hear it. Also, hillbillies might attack you for playing Moonshine Alley. - Hot Butter: Popcorn - Eric Records
If you have doubts, try this: Record the same song over and over and over on a 45-minute tape and play that instead. Even if that doesn't cause premature ejaculation, you'll still develop an irregular heartbeat just from listening. - Lenny and Squiggy: Lenny & the Squigtones - Casablanca
Is it a comedy record or a collection of songs by someone who is desperate to get out of a stereotyped role he's been playing for too long already? Who knows, but you spend way too much time trying to figure it out, if you know what I mean. - Star Trek Sound Effects - GNP Crescendo
At first, I figured this would be obvious and I put it on the list, but... after a few trial runs, y'know, it kinda' grows on you. Just wait until you get to the photon torpedoes... - Wild Man Fischer: Pronounced Normal - Rhino
Wild Man Fischer, proud to have been institutionalized as many times as he has, screams and rants his way into your heart, giving the listener that valuable and much needed experience that can dampen any ardor, no matter how incendiary. In fact, you'll probably want to make sure this record is on your local church's To Burn list. On the other hand, give it as a gift to your in-laws. - Sounds of Nature and the Great Outdoors
This is a Canadian recording. Normally, I wouldn't have to say anything more, but in this case, I kept wanting to swat the wasps away from my butt. At least, they sounded like wasps. At least I think that was my butt. - The Monkees: Then and Now... The Best of the Monkees - Arista
The difficulty with having sex during this music is that you can't really see or feel anything around you due to the furious, blind rage you've been driven into, nor can anyone else get within 25 feet of you until a S.W.A.T. Team takes you down, using an inordinately large amount of tear gas and twelve cops beat the snot out of you with specially-designed Monkee sticks. - The Soundtrack to Schindler's List - MCA
Rumor has it that there are people who can stay aroused even while listening to the sad strings of Itzhak Perlman and John Williams. Avoid these people.
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