The Top Ten Reasons for a Speedy Resolution to The O.J. Simpson Trial
- The hotel had run out of those little bottles of JD.
- The toilet backed up after an All-You-Can-Keep-Down Pancake Breakfast at Denny's, resulting in the smoke alarm repeatedly being activated.
- Nobody wanted to miss the video release of Pulp Fiction.
- Fox was rebroadcasting "The Best of the Rodney King Tapes" that night.
- One of the jurors became sexually excited by the evidence.
- The bloody glove was found to belong to Michael Jackson.
- The Defense was able to show, at the last minute, that Nicole Brown-Simpson was alive and living on a distant exotic island with her new beau, aging rock star Elvis Presley. They are expecting their fourth love child in February.
- The street price of crack had just plummeted.
- The alleged murder weapon was revealed, to the shock and surprise of the Prosecution, to really be a Nerf knife.
- "Well, he looked innocent!"
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