The Top Ten Merchandising Spin-offs from the Packwood Scandal
- Bob Packwood's Original Audio Diaries
The tapes that started it all can now be yours to listen to and enjoy in your car, while jogging or while relaxing at home. Remastered to the highest quality audio cassettes, these recordings reveal, in intimate detail, the sexual and Senatorial adventures of America's favorite "Lucky Lad". Hear each and every one of Packwood's adventures and exploits in stunning detail, in his own voice! This sixty-four pound set comes with its own nylon carrying case, in professional black or stylish red. Also available in CD and Interactive CD-ROM! - XX/XY Translator
With communications between the sexes becoming more and more difficult in this bizarre and amusing age of libel and scandal, there's nothing a busy executive needs more than the XX/XY Translator. Now even the most obscure idiom and reference is quickly and easily translated into clear, concise and simple American Standard English. Here are some common examples:
"Get your hands off me, Senator" means "Get me off with your hands, Senator!", "I'm embarrassed to be here" translates to "Let's go to my place!", and "Get out!" translates to "Call from a pay phone. I can't talk here." - The Bob Packwood Action Doll
This beautiful, limited edition plaything will delight and thrill children of all ages. Just pull the string on his back and hear the wit and wisdom of one of America's most "well-traveled" celebrities. "She asked me to rub aloe on her skin", "It's the honorable thing to do for this country, for this Senate", and of course, the unforgettable classic "I was feeling sorry for you and thinking I was doing my Christian duty by making love to you." Don't even ask what it does when you lie it down. - The New American Bible (The Revised Senator Packwood Edition)
This easy-to-read edition of the great American classic, The Holy Bible, has been carefully rewritten by trained lawyers and other professionals in the industry. With most, if not all, of the incriminating parts removed and replaced by something that's not quite as exciting as a week-long poetry reading, this fascinating revision provides our children and any other investigating committee a splendid glimpse into the role of our state's Junior Senator. Also available: the "Scarlet Letter" edition. - "Bobbers" Brand Condoms
Now the ultimate Senatorial Love Machine can be a guest in your bedroom every night with new "Bobbers" Condoms. Ordinary condoms might break, leak or spill, but not Bobbers. Each condom has been carefully selected for extreme tensile strength under unimaginable pressures. Furthermore, each Bobber comes complete with a special adhesive strip, guaranteed to never let go (solvent included!) or your money cheerfully refunded. "Bobbers" are available in a variety of festive colors and textures -- ask your pharmacist for more information! - Packwood Underoos
Now even the kids can get in on the fun everyone's talking about. With four different varieties, any group of children can dress up and play "Bob" with merry abandon, chasing their playmates around the house, kissing and fondling them and declaring their innocence (as children are wont to do!) at every turn. Each pair of Packwood Underoos comes with special padding to avoid rug burns and inner pockets for keeping those campaign contributions and candy safe and hidden. One size fits all! - What Color is Your Campaign Contribution (Hardback Edition)
This concise and in-depth book, considered by many to be the definitive reference manual for procuring the ideal government position, covers all aspects of the employment process, from deciding on a career (Chapter One: "Relations, Favors and Cold American Pronto") to removing obstacles in your path (Chapter Twelve: "Who to Rub, Where to Rub and What to Rub With") and finally settling on the perfect career (Chapter Nineteen: "Ah, Safe at Last!") which will serve you for the rest of your productive life (Chapter Twenty-Five: "Your turf, dammit!"). - Bob Packwood Online!
Technology meets politics! This fabulous World Wide Web page features both still images and brief motion sequences from the tearful testimonies of the victims to the final words: "It is my duty to resign!". Also attached are selected audio clips from Packwood's tape diary, his sexual encounters, his senatorial shindigs with the NRA and the OCA and hundreds of other indiscretions too numerous to mention. Links to hundreds of other Web sites, each following the mighty sexual and professional exploits of our planet's finest politicians. Download nude GIFs! Hot chat a member of his staff! - "I've Been Groped by Bob Packwood" Trading Cards
Be the first on your block to collect the entire set, brought to you by the same publisher responsible for "I Was Whacked by Tonya's Pals" and "Infamous Ranters in the Voter's Pamphlet". Each card details the alleged victim, their age, the date the groping allegedly occurred and the particular technique used by the Senator in his "grab for glory". Available are cards for Gillian Butler, Gail Byler, Sharon Grant, Mary Heffernan, Gena Hutton, Jean McMahon, Gayle Rothrock, Paige Wagers, Kerry Whitney, Julie Williamson, and all seven of the mysterious "Name Not Public"s, now revealed for the first time ever! - The Senatorial Strap-On
Voted by the Surgeon General (whoever that may be at the time this is published) to be most versatile, durable, tenacious and, of course, slippery of its kind. At four speeds and in three different designer sizes, this pontificating prosthetic is bound to please and tease even the toughest of investigating committees. Rich Corinthian leather straps and tough, man-made urethane make this beast stand out as the elder statesmen of sexual playthings. Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.
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