This used to be the "Pig Bitin' Mad Webring", but I got tired of maintaining all the links. There's something metaphorical about that.
The phrase "Pig Bitin' Mad" is familiar to readers of one of the world's greatest columnists: Ed Anger, over at the Weekly World News, which is of course, one of the world's greatest papers.
So, here's the original content in all it's questionable glory, including a few things that might be new:
I am tired of the FCC trying to be my Mom and my Dad and the arbitrator of decency. The FCC should exist to fulfill the singular purpose of preventing broadcasters from overcrowding each other on their frequencies, and be given powers to enforce that. The rest of the FCC's charter should be immediately shredded and molded into a giant penis-shaped tribute the the First Amendment.
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Where I work, someone takes half the damn comics page every single morning. At times, I have to hunt it down in the recycle bin and a couple of times I've had people tell me they've found it in one of the restrooms. What's so fucking hard about keeping the goddamn paper in the same room so that everyone can enjoy it. Invariably, when I'm lucky enough to find it, it looks like it's someone who wanted to play the word search, either while they're working or while they're curling one out. Worse, they weren't even able to find all the words! If they're that stupid, if they can't work a goddamn word search -- which has got to be one of the most brain dead puzzles ever created -- what the hell are they doing gainfully employed?!
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My friggin' insurance company will pay for all the glasses and contacts I can stand, but they won't cover corrective surgery for eyesight. I have friends who work elsewhere and their insurance covers correction. I was told it's too experimental, too risky. What the hell is anything these days?!
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There are people who bring little kids to loud, violent rated "R" films and then spend half the movie trying to calm down the terrified kid. Do they think this is a fucking playground? I would imagine that the very last person you want to piss off is someone watching a slasher movie and that, my stupid, breeding friends, is me! Take the kid outside - he obviously doesn't want to be here!
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People that let their dogs ride around loose in the back of a pick-up truck really need a good lead pipe across the knees. The only ones who are dumber than that are the ones who tie their dogs to the truck bed with a length of chain, invariably just long enough for dog to strangle himself.
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If you take guns away from a psychopath, the only thing you'll be preventing is getting shot by that psychopath. That won't stop them from beating you to death with a steel dildo!
It's not the guns or the rock music or playing D&D that does it, ya numbskulls: those are just a case of any port in a storm! Why is it so hard for people to acknowledge that some folks is whacked and just need killin'. Why do we look so hard on the outside for a cause, without realizing that it's staring us right directly in the face.
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Is it really so wrong for me to wish that everyone who doesn't clean up after their dog on a footpath be forced to eat everything the dog leaves behind.
Is that so wrong?!?
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The next time some asshole flicks a lit cigarette out a car window at a red light, I want to pick it up and, just as the light turns green, toss it into the back seat of their car, telling them they dropped it. Too bad they probably won't be shipping gasoline and methane, but I can always hope, right?
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We should stay the hell out of any war older than our country.
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I do not live out in a countryside filled with vicious gangs of thugs and lone attackers. So why the hell do so many of my neighbors have Volvo-sized ill-tempered dogs that they just let run around?! I guess I can hope the pepper spray will stop them, but one of these mornings, I'm going to be walking to work and one of these dogs is going to bite me -- at the exact same moment the hapless owner (usually carrying the goddamn leash) is shouting "Oh, don't worry -- he won't bite!" For this alone, I've considered getting a gun, but instead, I think I'll just mix antifreeze with hamburger and carry little poisoned meatballs around.
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People who say "polygamy" when they mean "polygyny" are either stupid or lazy. I know, it must be hard because that information is cleverly hidden inside dictionaries.
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Well-fed "management consultants" with extra-large, rubbery lips who talk about "revisioning" simply would be better if gut-shot and left to die on a high plateau.
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Can we please just declare open season on people who cut in front of buses and then slam on their brakes? I desperately need to see the inside of a Geo Metro's windshield covered by what was passing for brains in that idiot's skull!
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People who thrive on being victims and expect me to accomodate them.
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Streaming video. I mean, it was fine as long as I could grab a Quicktime and not have to share viewing time with seventy million other ganks, but now even Quicktime has gone all streamy. Does anyone out there ever think about bandwidth?!
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Back when God was a pup, stores thought of you as a Customer and many stores prided themselves on service. The touchstone of such places was the declaration "The Customer is always right".
Now, in stores, you're a Guest! Am I the only frickin' person on this planet that sees it for the tactless and sassy demotion it really is? Look, the Customer is always right, but when you're a Guest, I can kick you out anytime -- you're here on my sufferance. Big difference. Hey department stores, if I want to be a guest, I'll visit relatives. You exist solely because we want you to! Without customers, you all have to go back to fannybangin' in an alley, and don't you ever, ever forget that debt!
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It did not take me long to get damn tired of those stickers that manufacturers put over CDs and DVDs.
Excuse me, but do you really think I have the time -- after pulling off the frickin' plastic wrap (which already clings more than a manic-depressive high school girlfriend) -- to fiddle with a thin little sticker that has supposedly been put on there "to assure freshness" or some stupid shit like that, but that really serves the express purpose of pissing me off so much that I wish whoever thought of this idea would get a vicious prolonged form of head cancer. That's right -- you heard me -- head cancer.
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Listen up. It's bad enough that Windows goes down more often than a two-dollar whore but what the fuck were they thinking?! When you try to start it back after one of the typical crashes and you have to sit through ScanDisk and read that: in order to avoid seeing this message, you should always shut the computer down properly.
Excuse me, but Fuck you. In my entire life, I have perhaps properly shut down my Windows machine three times. All the other shut downs have been initiated by a variety of software, the greatest culprit of all having been Internet Explorer. So, perhaps it should read "In order to avoid seeing this message, you should never install or run software manufactured by Microsoft."
That would make a whole hell of a lot more sense, don't you think?