Notes from the Petting Zoo

Another movie I would remake, if I had loads of spare cash and time and had already made every original movie I wanted to make…

I would remake “The Lawnmower Man.” It’s virtually impossible to fuck it up, given the original movie.

Basically, I would just make whatever movie I want, maybe something like a cross between “Baise Moi” and “My Dinner with Andre,” and then in the middle, I’d have a shot of a naked fat man mowing the lawn (pardon me for not showing an image there).

It would be more like the book (well, the story) than the first pass, surely.

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I used to want to go up to those folks with the “Kill your Television” bumperstickers and ask them to — if they’re just going to kill it anyway, simply give me their televisions instead. The practical result is that they still end up with zero televisions, less junk goes into the landfill, plus I get a TV. Perhaps I could trade up, eventually.

Then I realized the problem here. Most of the TVs owned by the Kill-Your-Television set were, to put none too fine a point on it, crappy TVs. There was virtually no chance that a 48″ plasma screen owner would suddenly get a wild hair and kill her TV, much less decide to give it to me instead.

Besides, TVs are five bucks at Goodwill and I’d rather give them my money.

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Is it too much to ask that all those cars freed by the folks who disappear after the rapture come to those of us who have been struggling along in their wealthy, wealthy wake?

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Reading violence makes us violent with the same consistency as reading holy books makes us holy.

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Horror movies are almost always a map of our morals. They’re one of the few places where we can still tell moral fables. Little kids tell each other horror stories. Pre-teens try to scare each other with stories. This continues until we pass the age of reason, at which point, we try to keep kids from watching horror movies.

As moral stories, horror movies (typically, of course — there are always exceptions) punish the wicked (based on whatever we are calling wicked these days) and reward the virtuous (based on whatever we are calling virtuous these days). So, if it is wicked to be having premarital sex, or to wear skimpy underpants, then skimpy underpants-wearing people having premarital sex will get punished.

Likewise, the sensible virginal intelligent people usually survive, if not beat the bad guy’s ass.

Except for men.

No matter how strong or secure or right or good or pure the men are, they always get fucked up. Stabbed, ripped, torn, smashed, whatever. Men are disposable in horror movies, unless the lead female likes ‘em.

And the bad guys are usually… guys! Isn’t it easy to hate a guy? It’s acceptable to hate a guy. It’s understandable that a guy could possibly be some stabbety-fiend, or some sick psycho. It can’t be a woman. Nope, not unless there’s a Good Reason. Look at Friday the 13th — in all but the first movies, the killer is a guy and there really doesn’t need to be a reason — it’s simply lots of fun. Hey presto, he’s back in the next movie and lots more killing. All fun and games. But in the first movie, the killer was his MOM! But… she had a Good Reason. These kids had let her son drown. So, that’s okay, that’s a Good Reason.

Pick any half-dozen popular horror movies or horror movie franchises and reverse the sexes of the players and see if it works just as well or if all of a sudden something seems terribly wrong. I’ll bet on option “b”.

When we decide to make up a horrible thing, a monster in the form of a human, we usually make it in the shape of a man. (This is why we have a special name for a female antagonist: femme fatale. We don’t need one for male antagonists — it’s a given)

Misogynist? Hardly!

Horror movies, by and large, are some of the strongest feminist examples out there. The protagonists are everything the modern feminist wants women to be — strong, resourceful, brave, honest, true, virtuous, etc. Those women prevail.

The ones who die? Those are the ones that subscribe to the same old men-should-protect-us litany. Those are the ones who are not virtuous, the ones who are sleazy and manipulative. They get killed. And usually, folks understand this, because folks understand the basics of a moral tale, of a fable. These people have to die. They were bad.

Now, all that said, the reasons why the basic feminist movement has trouble with horror movies changes. Horror movies are about as feminist as one can get without being pathetic. Reward strong, resourceful, intelligent, virtuous women while crazy men kill paternalistic men. What does that threaten?

Andrea Dworkin should be lapping this up.

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I am not what most people would call a sartorial genius, but I am rather pragmatic when it comes to certain things and when the subject is the clever utility of clothing, I will geek out with the best of them.

Also, I seem to spend large gouts of time working at home, where, to be none too delicate, I have less to worry about hearing from HR on what I consider a proper dress policy.

Furthermore, I have in my past been a bachelor and although I have no wish to return to those hurly-burly carefree days of youth and powerful explosives, nevertheless I acknowledge that most fellas go through very similar stages (or perhaps they will later in life) and as such I still nurture a bit of sympathy for them in those hard times.

It is for these fellas, and the ones who shall come after us, that I offer what is quite probably one of my most brilliant inventions:

Underpants with pockets.

Enough space for a cell phone, a foil packet of Pop-Tarts, a can of soda and maybe a couple of dice. Nothing huge, just a small thing, but very clearly and very definitely a genuine pocket.

Hands can only carry so much.

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I don’t know a lot of people who still play old arcade video games, but I really like ‘em. This is my second Asteroids game and I’ve brought it back from the dead twice now. I used to also have Space Invaders, Berzerk, and maybe another game or two (I forget).

It’s very satisfying to track down an error in one of these things, to spend an afternoon exploring thirty-year old circuitry until I find the 29-cent part that failed, then trot off to Radio Shack, buy the part, replace it, and just play the game.

It’s just cool. No other way to describe it.

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Come the zombie apocalypse, I’m barricading myself into the nearest Costco. End of story. Enough food and groovy shit there to live out a fabulous life.

Only trouble I can see is if zombies get on the roof somehow. The bars across the windows are pretty lame and I can’t count on the fall smashing ‘em up bad enough.

But still, as attractive and as classic as a shopping mall is, I think Costco is gonna kick ass.

Someone mentioned Wal-Mart being practically the same thing, but I disagree. On a lesser level, Wal-Marts are usually built to address dumb-ass customer needs, therefore, lots of doors, and lots of weak security. Costcos are usually installed into former warehouses, which have fewer doors and are tougher.

More importantly, though, Costco offers multiple levels of existence. I can clamber up on a stack of stuff up on shelves and just pick off straggler zombies without ever getting into range of their teeth or claws. Look around at a Wal-Mart — no shelves. If there’s any zombies in there at all, it’s only one level — the “restaurant” level, and guess who’s the dish of the day?

Admittedly, Wal-Mart has guns. Hard to beat that.

So, me and the people who have blocked themselves off in the Wal-Mart can set up an exchange. They send me guns and ammunition and I’ll send them toilet paper.

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I am interested to realize that there are certain people we find it okay to “target”. This varies person-to-person, of course, and it can vary over time (for example, I might rail against jackasses who drive while talking on their mobiles — at least until mine rings and I’m on the freeway, so there’s no real complex maneuvers required…).

Sometimes it’s a brief fury. Other times, it’s a long burn.

I think a lot of the times, it’s tied to what we consider “wrong”. When I shift my “acceptable target” tag to someone, they have to have earned it. Usually, they do this by doing something “wrong”, according to my definitions at the moment.

However it happens, when it does, it’s very interesting to observe, both within myself and in the actions and reactions of others. Once we make the person less-than-human, we tend to really lash out. They’re not just “bad”, they’re an “abomination”. Once we’ve lost kinship with them, it gets even messier.

The idea that this loathing and hatred exists fascinates me. How can someone ordinarily nice talk about putting a claw hammer through someone’s skull casually, almost offhandedly? Weird. Humans. Go figure.

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I think it would be nice to say one simple thing to someone and actually have it believed. Completely, and without doubt. Just believed simply and accepted at face value, maybe appreciated with an equally simple “Thank you.” That simple thing would be:

“You look fine.”

Maybe a good place to start is to declare “Believe someone when they say you look fine and don’t read anything else into it or assume anything else about it, just recognize and honor it as simple acceptance that your appearance is pleasing and be done with it Day”

Today would be a good day for that.

Or tomorrow.

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Sometimes, something’s wrong. Sometimes you need to toss up a flare, light a light, or sound an alarm. Sometimes it really is the case that no one else has noticed.

Keep the alarm going. Keep the safeties on. Keep the beacon lit.

If you’re wrong, oh well, no one of substance will fault you for advising caution. If you’re right, however, and you dropped your guard, and some sort of disaster occurs, then your reflection will never look back at you the same way again.

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I have a Sony Mavica MVC-CD1000. It’s the first Sony camera to appear that uses those little CDs.

Here’s some notes on it:
Sony MVC-CD1000 Review, Phil Askey, September 2000

I want to remote-trigger it. Like a cable release.

Here’s a page that has specifics about the shutter release:
Top of camera controls

I can’t find technical reference for this. I’ve hunted around online and all I can find are other people trying to do the same thing. Sony makes a remote control, ostensibly for its Mavica CD series, but the MVC-CD1000 is the only camera for which this remote does not work. The companies have assured me it works, but I have physically tried the cable from a shop and it very clearly did not work. Eventually, I got Sony to fess up that it did not work, but it was only by telling them that I have confirmed it did not work using multiple models.

Dealing with Sony is a pain.

So, I hunted around for hardware hacking groups — just people who occasionally like to push machines to their limits. None.

So, I offer the question to the Universe.

How can I remote-trigger my Mavica?

Here’s the problem I’m trying to solve: I’m trying to set up a stop-motion movie. Of course, in order to do stop motion, I lock the camera down on a rig, and use a cable to trigger the shutter. I must not touch the camera while doing this — all triggering must be done via the cable.

And hey, if you or a buddy are real whiz-bangs, maybe you can control the thing through the USB port. Wouldn’t that be a neat trick!

The downside is that I’d like to avoid damage to my camera, as I’m rather fond of it. I still use it to take pictures by the truckload.

So, any hardware hackers out there, or anyone creative enough to offer suggestions?

Anyone clever enough to build a clamp-on wooden frame that will accept a standard cable release that’s sturdy enough to hold the cable release through thousands of triggers?

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In the field of biology, I would invent a termite predator. A small mite or bug or something. Something neuter that would die out after a generation, I don’t care, but as long as in its life cycle, it kills termites. I’d buy a bag of a thousand and spread ‘em around the house no problem. And the yard. In a couple of days, no more termites. Then they all die.

And carpenter ant queens.

I think that would be enough to make a goddamn fortune, don’t you?

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I would invent a car with locks that obeyed the lock signal coming from the driver door. Intelligently.

Now, if one of the passengers is fiddling with the door, waiting for it to open, the driver has to keep screwing with the locks: “No, just let it go a sec. Okay. Still not? Let it go. No, don’t touch it. Okay, try it now.”

That’s total crap and I am astonished that modern day automobile manufacturers haven’t considered this.

My new locks would obey the driver side signal. The reasoning would go like this: If the engine is off and the driver key fob or the driver door sends the all-unlock signal, then just unlock the damn doors. If one of the doors is being fiddled with, so what — unlock it. If the door has been designed to not be unlockable when in the moron position, then wait until it’s not and then unlock it.

This way, the driver isn’t inconvenienced by any other passenger. The driver sends the signal and when the lock is able, it unlocks.

How hard can this be?

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Am I the only person around who hears “I’m very empathic” and translates that in my head to “I have bad boundaries”, and thus tends to scoot away?

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“Scientists say they have strong evidence that the MMR vaccination is not linked to a rise in autism.”

According to a BBC article (‘No link’ between MMR and autism). Also a nutcase quote from the article:

“Stuart Notholt, of the National Autistic Society added: “This new research on the MMR vaccination and autism adds to the body of evidence, most of which would support the hypothesis that there is no link between the MMR vaccination and autism.”"

The trouble is, harmlessness was never the “hypothesis”. The hypothesis was that kids were getting autistic as a result of the immunizations. Trouble is, there is NO evidence for it at all and it’s up to those folks to provide the proof/evidence — it’s not up to the “accused” to prove their innocence of any dreary pitiful claim. Even countries that stopped using immunizations saw increased rates of autism. A very reasonable explanation from the same article:

“Professor Rutter said there had certainly been a rise in autism cases. “Professionals are better at picking it up. And there has been a broadening of the definition, so it’s not just children with the most severe form of autism, but all gradients within the range of autistic disorders who are diagnosed.”"

There is nothing magical or mysterious about this. We detect it better and we broaden the definition of what’s autistic and the rates are going to go up.

No credible evidence has been offered to suggest any credibility to the rather outlandish claim that immunizations cause autism. That’s the hypothesis, and the grim part is how many kids and adults refused to get immunized because they were suddenly afraid of immunizations.

I am somewhat gladdened to discover that Wakefield, the fellow who made the first semi-serious stink about it, is being called up for charges of “improper conduct”, which isn’t quite as serious as what I think these folks warrant, which is more like “child endangerment” (MMR doctor ‘to face GMC charges’ He “stands by his findings”, interestingly.

This mania has passed into the U.S. as well, with droves of parents refusing to immunize their kids, and thus reintroducing all new vectors for measles, mumps, and rubella, as well as anything else against which kids might be immunized. All because they don’t want to “take the risk” of autism. Well, clearly, mental illness already is in the family, and now, thanks to conclusions drawn by hearsay and rumor and anchored into place my some sort of misplaced protective gesture and drama, we have a whole collection of urchins with the amazing ability to pass on diseases and illnesses that used to be practically wiped out.

They can pass them on to younger kids at school, who can then pass them on to adults.

They can pass them on to any kids with immunity issues.

They can pass them on to any adults or old people with immunity problems.

Hell, they can restart a whole new plague.

But at least they didn’t “catch autism”. Which was never possible in the first place, and a claim never proven in any way.

I swear, if the human race isn’t wiped out by its own stupidity, the Universe will be shattered by the paradox.

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If you like movies, please, please, please try to catch them in second run theaters.

Second run theaters are about as local businessman as you can get. Second run theaters don’t show commercials before the showings. Second run theaters have screens that are comparable to the n-plex theaters in the malls today. Second run theater fans enjoy their movies more.

And most importantly, second-run theaters are cheap.

I’ve heard a rumor that people who go to second run theaters have better sex lives, but don’t quote me on that.

Please. Support your genuinely local cinema and go watch movies the old fashioned way.

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In Entertainment Headlines…

“Landmark Theaters (and Dallas Mavericks) owner Mark Cuban has warned newspapers and magazines that they face a backlash by the entertainment business unless they reduce the cost of advertising…”

Theater Owner Warns Papers: Drop Ad Prices Or We’ll Drop You

Okay, first of all, if I want to go and watch a movie, first thing I get is an advertising show, thinly disguised as “entertainment”.

Then I get admonishments against making noise or smoking or jacking off or whatever else they can think of to make me feel shameful.

Then, in the really expensive theaters, I have to put up with “waiters” serving people during the movie.

I also get basically the same ads I see on television (and when I make fun of them, I get shills in the audience telling me to “pipe down”, as if they haven’t quite seen that commercial enough at home — somehow seeing it on the big screen makes it better).

And paper bag puppets.

And people on their cell phones.

And advertisements about the theater.

And the sound system.

And maybe part of a music video that is unabashedly a Coke commercial.

And the occasional quiz, dumbed down to the lowest common denominator (for example: “What popular movie about a shark inspired the hit sequel Jaws 2?”).

All of this for eight to ten bucks. To watch, evidently, a remake or a sequel.

At my normal rate, I figure they owe me by now.

So, theater owners of the world, and particularly the ones who refuse to post actual-showtimes, instead of beginning-of-the-commercial-dreck showtimes… forgive me if I hope the blood that runs down your legs from print advertising rates stays fresh and shiny for a long time. You’ve worked very hard to earn the enmity of People With Brains and I think it’s about time you pay the proper rates.

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You know when you’re sitting at a table and playing with a coin? A quarter or a nickel, or a half dollar, or a big ol’ silver dollar? You can’t help but spin it. You just give it a spin.

But then you try to spin it for a little longer.

Then you try to really give it a spin, trying to keep it up and spinning for a very long time. You flick it with your finger, or maybe you put a double-spin on it with both hands.

However you do it, you get that sucker spinning up, and it hums softly across the table. You think it’ll last forever, because it’s so neat and quiet and simple. Furthermore, you know you can spin it even faster if you wanted to.

And then you see it careening toward an edge. You rush to put up your hand and that keeps it from going over the edge, but now the spin has an eccentric and the coin wobbles off awkwardly. In a few inches, the spin isn’t stable enough and the penny falls flat.

So, you try spinning it again. Same thing. Always an edge. Again. A third edge. Fast or slow, flicked clockwise or counterclockwise, once that coin has some speed, it wants to travel, and there isn’t a table on this planet large enough to not end before the penny stops spinning.

If you want a spinning penny, you’ve just got to keep picking it up and spinning it.

Life is a lot like that.

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Lioness kills visitor at Kiev zoo

Clearly his faith wasn’t strong enough. Perhaps, however, all the faithful should be thus tested.

I’ll wait.

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