Introduction

Welcome to my half-assed manifesto. It’s a bit of a map of how I got to where I am, which is a place I happen to like. There’s an extremely slim chance you might find something interesting in here, which is one of the reasons I’m posting it online.

The other reason is that when I become a nationally loved evangelist, I want this to come back and haunt me.

Life and Love

I firmly believe that life and love should be much simpler than they’re all made out to be. I run into people who have told me, many times, “It’s not as easy as you think it is.” Each time I explain, as patiently as I can, that I said simple. Not easy.

This is not to say that it can’t be easy, too. Being easy’s great. Trust me on this one.

But simplicity, ah, simplicity’s about a 9.8 on the I-Want-O-Meter.

Sometimes, the simple things are also the difficult things. I have found that it’s worth the effort. Keeping your life and love simple pays off and the more you do it, the more you can do it. After a while, you hardly ever think about it. Until you overhear someone complaining about how complicated life is.

Go ahead — change your life.

Exceptions

Sure, they exist. Your situation may be one. But start out thinking it isn’t and look — very hard — for a simple answer. You’ll probably find it.

The Basic Assertions

These basic assertions may simplify your life.

Every relationship is unique

This means every single one. There might be common points, but that’s only surface resemblance. Look, even the relationship between the same two people can change over a period of days, weeks, years (unless you’re being held captive by a psychopath who whispers “don’t ever change” in your ear every night). You’ll simply be a lot happier when you start thinking: “It’s just different.”

Enjoy the differences. Enjoy the similarities.

Anyone has the right to form whatever relationships they wish

This is a lot more power than most people are comfortable with in a relationship, but most of the reluctance to accept this assertion stems from the idea that relationships are property, or that the other person might abuse this power.

As far as the “property” thing goes, maybe some people like it that way. Good for them. I’ll pass.

Anyone afraid of having this power lorded over them should reconsider their choice of partners. They would also do well to master communication skills. Also, keep in mind that this — as with all sorts of things in this little document — is completely reversible. On one hand, you can all maintain a balance of terror. You can also maintain a balance of pleasure. Whatever you want.

These two assertions are very useful in dealing with jealousy and the fear of being replaced. The first helps reduce the fear of being replaced. The second suggests that different relationships might even complement each other, particularly if there is a perceived need.

Crazy, huh? Yeah, I thought so, too.

What You must Always Do

I’ve made many mistakes and I’ve learned from a few. I also try to pick up lessons by watching other people. I feel like I should tip them afterward, when I’m lucky enough to see a real lesson in action. Remembering to do the following things helped simplify my life tremendously. Think of them as affirmations, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Believe your partner

It’s possible they’re lying, but it’s also possible they’re telling the truth. It’s safest to decide they’re telling the truth. If they are, you’ll be a saint. If they aren’t, they’ll catch themselves in the lie later, or feel really bad and possibly even apologize. Maybe buy you a milkshake.

If you’re absolutely sure you’re being lied to (I mean, really sure, as in photographs and signed testimonials), then ask your partner to explain the discrepancies. The important thing here is that you’re still willing to listen to them, to hear and understand what they know.

If you find you can’t depend on your partner, that you simply can’t believe them, or that believing them results in trouble for you, then your trouble is with that partner — not with the act of believing.

Be Sincere

If you are sincere when you talk or otherwise deal with your partner, it becomes easier to accept their sincerity.

Apologize When You Screw Up

It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but if it’s not sincere, don’t bother — you probably won’t fool anyone.

To combine the above two things, when your partner apologizes, accept it. You might be incapable of knowing whether they’re sincere or not. In which direction would you like to make a mistake?

Tell the Truth

You might be surprised at where it gets you. Here are some excellent reasons to tell the truth:

• You might actually get what you want, instead of what you think you can get away with asking for.
• You won’t have to remember which lie you told to whom if you always tell the truth.
• You’re supplying your partner with the best information you can.

If you don’t want to tell them anything, consider doing the courtesy of explaining why. You don’t have to, but you might discover something new right then and there.

What You must Never Do

While I’m not particularly fond of telling people what they shouldn’t do, nevertheless, there seem to be a few things that have cropped up over the years that strike me as definite Things-Not-To-Be-Done.

Never lie to a partner

I actually prefer applying this to everybody, but that’s too tough a leap for some folks.

I thought this was pretty simple, but I found out that when asserting it, there is rarely a person who agrees right away. Most immediately start to hem and haw. Here’s the trouble with that — the first thing you’re doing when you’re hemming and hawing is looking for excuses to lie so you can have an escape route. We all want escape routes; no one wants to be held captive by having to say an unpleasant thing. But we shouldn’t have to escape — if we remember that of all the people in the world, our own partner is probably the least likely to be “out to get us”.

But note that I didn’t tell you what to do — I told you what not to do. Big difference.

Nothing leaves people feeling more annoyed, more used, and less valuable than finding out they were lied to. If you don’t have that stuck in your head, re-read this paragraph.

Stunning Conclusion

Sorry, there isn’t a stunning conclusion. Like I said, these are just some things I’ve discovered over time.

I think practically each paragraph above is worth writing a book over, and feel free to start a conversation about it below. I’m no expert on this sort of thing, either, just someone who likes to keep my head screwed on straight.

If it helps at all, fantastic. If it doesn’t, sorry.

(I can’t remember when I wrote this — probably before 2003, but I’m just getting around to posting it now. Sorry for the delay).

Probably the best thing you can do to fight censorship is to send me a box of ten dollar bills. Well, twenties would be better, C-notes even more so.

So the hundreds would be the best thing, but any money at all would be good.

And I’ll keep saying what I want.

(I don’t actually know when i first wrote this, so I’m not going to worry overmuch about where I put it in the sequence. It was at least five years ago, probably more.)

I call it “tapping on the glass,” after the tendency people have to tap on the glass of an aquarium just to make the fish jump. If they can make the fish jump, that means they’re a “real” person.

I’ve known a few glass-tappers, folks who make a noise in hopes of making other people react. Doesn’t matter what it’s about, all that matters is that people react.

There’s a word for people like this. That word is “jerks.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.”

I think it matters a great deal to enjoy deeply each others’ company, when there is love, but I’m starting to suspect as well that there is an even greater value to recognizing that we all live in a bigger mesh than just those of us right next to each other.

There’s something endearingly childlike and happy about this quote and for some peculiar reason, it makes me think of a group of people holding hands and watching a sunrise.

Well, that’s just me.

One of the tricky things about “agreeing to disagree” is that it is, at its heart, an agreement, and we’re already talking about people who clearly have trouble agreeing on things trying to make that agreement. There are so many things easier to agree on that are probably more relevant!

There is no guilt in expressing righteous anger, so for those of us who thrive on the high of anger (and I’ll make no bones about it — it’s a helluva ride!), it’s worth the effort to arrange for it to be “justified,” so it can properly felt, enjoyed, and delivered. One may also make the effort to avoid that kind of mindset, but that’s not as drama-productive.

I think, until an openly atheistic President is elected, I will view with great suspicion any claims a candidate makes about their religious views.

Although I’d have to admire the brass of anyone campaigning who claims to be a Satanist.

If a fireman prevents you from lighting fires in your living room, and instead, you light fires in your garage and detonate your own car’s gas tank, it makes no sense to blame the fireman for being so “restrictive.”

You’re missing the point.

Given the opportunity, n number of people will be 2^n times as incompetent as one person.

Sometimes, you pass a law because the majority want it that way and you need to make the minority do something they don’t want to do.

Other times, you pass a law because it’s the right thing to do and you need to make the majority do something they don’t want to do.

Finally, you pass laws because you’re paid a shitload of money to pass them.

I’m not convinced there are any other reasons behind laws.

I’m never quite sure what to think about Mobile Memorials, that is, cars with memorial messages inscribed on them.

Do people keep the windows when they sell the car?

If the car gets wrecked, does the soul get transferred to the junkyard?

If you buy such a car, are you obligated to continue advertising?

I’ve pretty much concluded that life is a lot like a Linux box in that you’re always fiddling with this part or that part, changing things, swapping out code here and there, tuning, etc.

If you want a Mac-flavored life, it’s gonna cost a lot to maintain.

If you want a Windows-flavored life, there’ll be a lot of crashing into high expectations.

You’ll learn more by looking to see where the gun is pointed than by listening to the shooter tell you how great their aim is.

Unless there are farms specifically for raising rabbits with luxurious multiple feet, one of our most ubiquitous good luck charms is actually agricultural waste.

Before you go and plan to do all your work “in the cloud,” you had best be making sure the cat can’t pull the router’s power supply out of the wall.

I’m leery of accepting the accuracy and precision of anyone engaging in any sort of prophecy until I’ve seen that they’ve won at least two PowerBall lotteries.

You might want to think about that one, too.

The assumption that the only people who can trick us must be evil super-geniuses is a roundabout way of declaring that we think of ourselves as geniuses, too. Most people are ordinary and have ordinary levels of gullibility.

Once you’re grumbling, bragging, or expecting reciprocation about having taken the “higher ground,” you’ve left the higher ground.

I sense there are a few of those “Make a Wish” wishes we never actually hear about, such as the ones involving Alyson Hannigan and maple syrup.

It suddenly occurred to me yesterday — all you Pirates of the Carribean fans are fans of a Disney ride. I mean, that’s like being a fan of Space Mountain or the Teacups. Except, well, with rum. But still. Disney.